Friday, 17 January 2014



Since high school, i've been known as the good girl. Tudung dah nampak labuh,  tutup semua apa yang patut. Plus handsocks and stokin lagi. Orang mungkin nampak saya sebagai budak yang tahu agama tapi hakikatnya i was no different from them. All those outer appearance was because i was told to wear it like that and lama kelamaan it's becoming a habit and plus it's comfortable pun so why not.

During my third year of medical studies I joined usrah, simply just sebab ikut orang. It has been nearly two years i guess. Tak rasa sangat pun perubahan dalam diri.

I don't know exactly when did it start but recently (it was not so recent pun, maybe from last semester?) i started watching lots and lots of conversion stories, how people from different religion came to Islam. Or some people may called it as Reversion stories since every human being was born as a muslim originally.

Those stories never failed to amaze me. Those people, after their conversion became so committed to Islam, so eager to do da'wah, more than us the Muslims by default.

I dont know why I kept watching those videos, but suddenly it occurred to me that I am looking for the answers of my own faith in those videos. Why do people attracted to Islam, and why dont I become like them. Committed to my own religion.

Since little, I am practising Islam because I was told to, I prayed five times a day without knowing the purpose of it. When I joined usrah, I knew that our purpose of life is to do ibadah and be khalifah for the sake of Allah. Tapi all those things never really.. emm i don't know the correct term but i don't really feel it, or understand it. Macam tak masuk sangat la dalam hati gituu.

Sometimes I even have doubts, not the major doubts, I know for sure that Islam is the truth, Allah is the Only One God and Rasulullah SAW is the messenger of God. It's tiny little things that I don't want to say here.

I never say it out loud, because I thought, it's totally prohibited to have doubts in our religion.
But yesterday I found this video. I really love the syeikh's way of explaining things, he feels like a father figure to me. The one who says it's okay to make mistakes, you'll learn.

I think my problem in religion is because I kept on being the one who's in the receiving end. Never actively looking for Allah. Never trying to really know who is Allah. I kept on just receiving without any questions and that was very wrong of me. Even in Quran Allah kept on telling us to actively thinking, don't just receive. Allah told us to read, gain knowledge and think, do not just sit and follow people.

I need to change my way. I remember watching a conversion story of a drug dealer who decided to take his own life before becoming a Muslim. He said that a real Muslim is the one who is happy and never feel lonely. If you felt lonely or unhappy you should check yourself. Are you practising the real Islam or not.

We need to check and change ourselves. Are we behaving like a supposedly how Muslim behave? 

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